Wednesday, September 28, 2011

A new normal. And I am not afraid.

I have heard it before and it really seems true to me.  When you lose someone you love, you have to go on and create a "new normal".  Things just aren't the same, not now, nor will they ever be. I don't want it to ever be the same. Her death has changed me, her dying process changed me. I cannot be the "same".  And that is fine. It's what God wants - to change me, to mold me. And I am okay with that process, painful as it is.  There still is peace and there still is no fear.  Those are the gifts that come with mourning in His arms. Through this entire experience I have been baffled by what it must be like for someone to go through this type experience without the peace and comfort He gives by having a deep and personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ.
I don't want to sound like I am "so strong", but I do want others to know I AM STRONG in HIS strength.  I want others to know that I am "ok", not because I FEEL "ok" or look "ok" at the moment, but because He holds me up in the midst of the pain rather than removing the pain.  I still hurt. My eyes still well up with tears. But it is not bitter. It is sad. It is my time for mourning. I will mourn her death for a long time. I am sure it will come in waves. And I am not afraid.

Her flowers were mostly yellow roses. Daddy used to sing the "Yellow Rose of Texas" to her. She was a Texas girl. And she always told me when I was little that her favorite color was yellow. It's nice now to have a flower that will always remind me of her. 

Another thing.... remember the hummingbird photos from a few posts back? I took those for her so that if the hummingbirds were not on the feeder outside the window, she would have a picture of them.  Little did I know that we would watch those hummingbirds for hours as we sat by here bedside in her last days.  They were so fun... fighting.... drinking... some VERY tiny babies, another looking like she were soon to lay eggs. Now I will not see a hummingbird and not think of her too. I brought the feeder home. I had just bought it for her two weeks before she died. Come spring.... I hope I have hummingbirds outside my window.


nicole keck said...

thanks for sharing that husband is losing his mother right now to cancer..she has been fighting it for 12 years and has been given a week to live just recently. She is not a believer even though she has been presented with the gospel many times over. It is so very sad, yet we trust completely in God's perfect justice however painful it is. I'm glad your mother knew the Lord...that is an amazing comfort!

jenni said...

Your mother was a beautiful woman who raised an amazing daughter. Your post is very touching and real and as always your pictures are stunning! Love the humming bird!!! Praying for you!!!!!

Reba said...

Beautiful and well-spoken. I have often wondered too how one would get through a loss like this without having Him to lean on. Continuing to think of you and pray for you as you find your new normal. said...

I can't imagine either, what it would be like to go through this without our God. Because of Him, we always have hope. And just think what your mom is experiencing now --- that's the hope that we have in Him! I'm thankful for you and your thoughtful comments, Beth. I'm also thankful that God has given you hummingbirds and yellow roses to be a special reminder of your mother - that makes me smile :)